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Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten ... please think of the kittens

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Wednesday, September 01, 2004
What if God is a Kitten?
A Drama in One Act
The world has truly gone mad. Thank goodness - during the 50's, it almost looked like we might spend a decade or two attempting to put up a facade of sanity. But in our modern age, we have completely tossed false depictions of sanity out the proverbial window.

And thus, the delightful world of the internet and its forwarded nonsense. By now, everyone knows that every time they masturbate, God kills a kitten. This is the pulse of the world as we know it.

What follows is a dramatization. It is based on a very, very true story of two modern maniacs discussing the implications of God killing kittens, and deciding, logically, how to protect themselves in the event of a kitten apocalypse. Logic, of course, can be skewed terribly when your premise is a theory based on the Lord being a female kitten...

Begin Act 1, Scene 1...

Mike: What if God is a kitten?

Fred: Then he's obviously getting rid of his competitors.

Mike: But what do kittens compete for?

Fred: Points, duh. The first kitten to get 1,000,000 wins an all expenses paid trip to Ireland.

Mike: Do you think they will ever be able to clone kittens faster than we can masturbate?

Fred: I wouldn't worry about it.

Mike: Are you sure? I'm pretty fast.

Fred: Trust me.

Mike: What about Irish kittens? What do they win?

Fred: Naturally, you don't have to worry about what happens for kittens that are already *in* Ireland. Because Ireland naturally repels kittens.

Mike: They die like leprechauns?

Fred: Like leprechauns? You mean, with hammers? Yeah, something tells me that they do.

Mike: Then why isn't there more pussy in my pants?

Fred: Are your pants from Ireland?

Mike: Maybe. They're green pants. Do green pants repel kittens?

Fred: Look around you. Any kittens?

Mike: No...

Fred: I think that answers that question.

Mike: Why have I been cursed with such Irish pants!?

Fred: It's all part of Ireland's devious plan to take over the world through clever use of the color green. 90% of the color green is exported from Ireland.

Mike: Where does the other 10% come from?

Fred: Kitten supercollider experiments.

Mike: Kitten supercollider experiments?

Fred: Of course! That's why we need to increase our nation's supercolliding kitten budget. But the field still requires many brilliant advances before it can compete with Ireland's natural resources.

Mike: Oh. so, if God gets a million points, she goes to Ireland?

Fred: Sadly, no. Ireland cannot contain God. So, instead, Ireland gets to go to Hoboken. And then God gets to go to the hole left by Ireland.

Mike: And fills that hole with dead kittens?

Fred: Dead kittens floating in divine "dead kitten" sauce. Let's see Great Britain try to impose its rule over that land! "I claim this ocean of spooge in the name of the Queen!"

Mike: Does that mean I have to start storing "dead kitten" sauce in jars for God?

Fred: Yes, you absolutely must collect your spent sauce for the Lord. If you don't save it, any difference between what you have spent and what you owe the Lord will be extracted by God. Of course, I'm banking on God being female, so I'm working on building up quite a debt, because everyone wants to get a Holy Handjob.

Mike: Hmmm... explaining the presence of a man gravy receptacle in my bathroom to my parents, or getting sucked off by a vengeful feline God... I want a third option.

Fred: What's the third option?

Mike: Um, mecha?

Fred: Woo!

Mike: Mecha it is, then.

Fred: But what about when all of the dead kittens raise as zombies in the End Days? How will mecha protect us, then?

Mike: The leprechauns contained in the pockets of my Irish pants - they will be enslaved by all the shiny lights on the mecha. They will be our anti-kitten-zombie army.

Fred: GENIUS! The Ireland-Green of the Leprechauns will repel the zombie kittens long enough to bring the mecha's awesome arsenal to bear! Unless.... what if undeath reverses the kitten-Ireland effect?

Mike: They supercollide, emiting quantum Irish-kitten particles, and viola: more leprechauns

Fred: Thank goodness


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